It's a a cringe-worthy title. But if it gets the point across, why does it have to be correct?
I've spent tonight avoiding responsibility; it happens many nights. I spend my days in such a whirlwind of terror, many of my nights I find myself riding out the aftershock.
Not to say that things are not getting better. Things are so much better, oh so much better. But yet, I'm peeved. As it turns out, I am surrounded by talented people. Very, very talented people. People who write very well, people who come home at night and can summon the strength and courage to fight hard in their classrooms the next morning. Those people do not know that I feed off their energy. They do not know that if I didn't have them I would flop.
And I have flopped. Not everyday; but lessons have flopped. I have failed. I have failed in the classroom more times in the past four months than I think I have failed at anything. I mean, if I sucked this much at baseball, wouldn't I just give up? (I did, and did).
So the humbling, maturing, graying, reformative process of Mr. Appel has begun.
You should probably quit reading now.
I have to write an essay for my licensure program about "why I teach". Why they ask for printed words rather than pictures, grunts, facial expressions, and smells tells me that Western New Mexico just does not get education. Yet here I go:
Why I teach:
-Delineate the personal and professional experiences that have brought you to the field of special education
Teaching has always terrified me. I made the conscious decision in college not to become an education major because the thought of molding a young person's mind, managing a class, and inspiring our next generation of leaders (among many other things) was not something that I could handle. Too much pressure; way too much pressure. Anyway, I had my own faults with the educational system: I enjoyed school aside from the normal social pressures of youth yet reflection many years after I had left the public education system had me starting to pinpoint a few hiccups in my education. For starters, I was bored in school.
Occasionally I had some teachers who sparked some interest- my AP European History teacher, my jazz band directors, a photography teacher to name a few, but I was only ever invested in my own education because I knew I had to be because going to college and making money was just what people did. And people who do otherwise should not be talked about. Therefore, I did as I was supposed to and did not bother with thoughts about joining a system that I did not particularly enjoy.
Not that joining the field of education was not mentioned to me: eight of my aunts and uncles, as well as a grandfather are or were involved in public education. I enjoyed tutoring in high school and college, and spent my summers coaching children at the local pool. Yet teaching in a classroom terrified me (and still does). However, it was through my studies in anthropology, sociology, and ethnic studies as well as several trips to impoverished nations that made me change my mind about education.
I did not fall in love with the educational system in the United States. Rather, I see a lot of faults in it. However, during my time in college, I did begin to see how privileged we are to have a decent system of education at all. It was not hard for me to see that a poor system of education can be a harsh blade that cuts away many of the privileges that I have come to take for granted. However, during my time in places like Barbados, the Bahamas, Trinidad, and Costa Rica- all of which I was participating in observations of the respective societies- I began to see disparities in our system of education in the United States. To learn that we have our only Third World inside of the United States made me feel guilty, to say the least. I decided in college that I would at least try to make a dent in our society's neglect of our own people.
I was, and am, unaware of much of the happenings in the field of special education. Special education found me as much as I found it. When I decided to become a special educator I only thought about how I could be making an impact with the underprivileged of the underprivileged. Yet here I sit: a teacher in the field of disability, trying to make an impact.
My experiences in the professional world of education have been minimal, and my experiences with special education have been fewer. What I have seen has left me dismayed at times, hopeful during others. I believe that our system could be changed: even if we had the best system in the world, innovation always has its benefits. However, we are not ranked at the top of education systems, and we only seem to be falling. Change, therefore, should be swift and absolute. That is not to say that all of our actions are wrong. I agree with inclusive environments, least restrictive environments, community involvement, extended learning time, arts education, and many other items that those inside of the education system have been fighting for and implementing for decades. Yet we know longer have high levels of proficiency in math, science, reading, and writing. When we measure our students for creativity, our numbers sink even further. I believe that our system could use some change. However, the fear that I feel about teaching in a classroom is heightened when I think about how we need to change our education system. Frankly, I am not sure how.
Perhaps my fresh and naive perspective on education is a strength. It certainly is a weakness. Currently, I am improving at the core of my job: teaching. Teaching in the sense that my students are actually learning the objectives that I have prioritized for them. They are not always learning, and they certainly are not always reaching a level of proficiency that I would like them to, but they are learning. As long as I can make gains, even if I have to fight for them, I will consider my teaching a success.
Unfortunately, I need to grow in many areas. Getting students to be excited and motivated about their education has not been the most successful endeavor this year. I am finding it is hard to motivate students when they have not seen what a successful education could bring them. Even when I knew that I had to work hard in school I was not exactly motivated. Therefore, I sympathize with these students of mine. However, it is an aspect of their education I need to work on. Additionally, I have found myself as a special educator with little to no knowledge of the field of special education. As the learning curve is steep, I am struggling to stay on top of all aspects of being a special educator.
I intend to stay involved in the field of education for as long as I feel I can make a meaningful impact. In what capacity I remain in education, I am unsure. Five years ago I would not have guessed I would be teaching special education in Laguna, New Mexico. Therefore, I know the hazards of predicting where I will be in the future. I know that I want to continue a life full of purpose, and in teaching our lives are full of purpose. I do not know how I will be contributing to the world, but I do hope that the contributions I am making now will begin to take hold in my students so that in five years time they will begin to make an impact of their own. It is my hope someday I can look back on these next five years and feel t hat I have made an impact in my students.
Essay done, bon soire.
